I guess it's not so bad to still be thinking about him... I mean, someone has their distractions... I have mine.

I found myself sleeping in this morning, remembering the sound of his voice, the smell of his body.. his smile... I could remember all the feelings that I had.

The other day, I found myself looking at old blogs... and now I bash my head against the proverbial wall going.. "wtf, how many signs could I miss?!"

.... "feel how ripped I am.." "help me roll up my sleeve"... "come over tonight, I'll even pick you up"...

... sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had given in to him...

would we still be friends?

I know that he doesn't even remember me... or think of me at all.

the sick part is, his face crosses my mind whenever I'm alone.. or whenever someone's off in his own distractions.

I can only look at so many naked women... and I can only feel inadequate enough for so long...

Fuck, it's been more than 10 years now.

I often wonder what it would be like now... the whole element of bad, and the the past behind us...

it keeps me thinking about him...

today, I put on a pretty dress, did my makeup.. and my hair, and for some reason... I still didn't feel good enough..

maybe it's just passing thoughts, I don't know...

all I know is that those thoughts still linger in my head..

... and they won't go away.

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