I'm trying to find a song that defines how I feel at the moment... Something determined, something hungry, something... angry. Something wanting more in this life, wanting to be the best at something for once.

I've settled into my new home, I still fight a few pangs of homesickness, but I know that I can cope, that I've got something going on here.

I've managed to fuse both of my 14 year old passions together in what looks to be something that will make me, very, very happy.

for I have become... a Derby Girl.

That's right, roller derby, the smash-it-up, drag-her-down, sport that has experienced a second wind as of late...
... and what may you ask is my Derby persona...

why, of course...

Blair.

Blair Block, Jersey # XI of the Okanagan Derby Girls.

You skate hard, and you hit hard. A bit of pro-wrestling combined with short-track speed skating.

You'd think I would forget those passions? It is those passions that have gotten me through the hard-times growing up, it is the people I idolized and looked up to that has shaped who I am today.

...even with the lame desk jockey job.

I have had issues with my employment as of late. This has been the cause of my grief... the source of my anger, the realization that my job sucks, my bosses are useless.. and i know I am smarter than both of them combined.

I've been in the news biz for just over 5 years now, I know how it works. I've worked for the largest news media corporation in Canada. I know my shit.

At that Large Corporation, I got respect. I was the supervisor, the big fish in the big pond. I knew all the answers....
...and most of all, I got the respect I deserved.

I worked hard, I put in my over time... I gritted my teeth and pushed myself through every single hoop that would present itself.

I got exactly the job I wanted. The job I said I would get the very first day I stepped into that building.

I had to leave that job in moving to BC, and took a job with a smaller publisher.

... and in doing that, I traded in my respect, for a kick in the pants and a permanent position on the floor.. the floor in which everyone steps, spits and shits on.

For fucks sake. I was a production supervisor for a paper that saw OVER a million eyes every FUCKING day.

I would remember when someone would give me feedback on my work. I would take that information and try to better myself with it.

For those of you who know me, this is true.. and has been true since birth. Criticism is a hard pill to swallow, but I will take my dose and feel the benefits.
... but when someone doesn't tell me and goes behind my back about it, that does bother ... nay, it fucking insults me.

.. and when the 'big' boss goes and lies to me, I've had it.

I'm done.

I went to school and busted my ass, worked through college, put myself at the top of the class, got a really strategic job in a large company in order to climb the corporate ladder. I know what the fuck I am doing.

.. and i have a fucking good memory.

"I told you in december that you had to step up your game.."

no, you didn't.
you're lying.
you're a LYING fucking bastard.

I would remember a conversation like that.

..... and just like that, a fire ignites in my soul... a need, a want to get the fuck out of this job... a very much first time for this feeling.

In the past few days, I have never felt more determination to leave a job as I do now... no more anger than I do now, no more focus to get the fuck out of there than I do now...
... and what am I going to do?
get the fuck out of there.

I know what to do, I've already started it, and under their noses I will move on, and be a better person.

... No matter how hard you work... NEVER let anyone get you down. They don't know you, they don't know what you've sacrificed.

I will rise above this.
... it's no longer a want, it's a need.

- congrats to AAO for winning the Silver last night! Cheering for you all the way -

Until then...
B.block. XI

<<<- | ->>>