wow, what amazing timing... 11:11pm.

I still honestly question why I'm here... I know I did it for love, but how much love do I really have?

I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying not to irritate him, but there's always something that I do that sets him off... and today it was the fact that I had put my purse on his digital slr.

I didn't know where I was putting my bag, I was carrying a large box and had set it on the coffee table and didn't realize where my purse was...

and now since then I have been "a total bitch"

I want to be happy, I want to enjoy the fact that I have this brand new adventure in front of me that I only have but to explore, that I have new friends and new experiences.. and a new outlet for everything I feel... (I now do rollerderby, an interesting mix of pro-wrestling and speedskating, my two first loves)

I'm sitting here in the dark, wondering where I would be if I hadn't said yes... something I often think about in my car as I'm driving to work... sometimes I think about why I didn't take that hint... that there was something more there, I think about that a lot.. it's almost sad.

"just roll up my sleeve..."

I often wonder where he is today, if he's looking up at the same sky thinking the same thoughts... but I know he's since moved on, and that one last time at the mall was him walking out of my life for good.

I will never be able to know what it was like to be in that safe haven, that fantasy world... that dream of fourteen year old dreams..

... 10 years ago.

tomorrow is my 24th birthday. it's amazing how the time flies by, I remember it like yesterday walking through the doors of high school, seeing him for the first time... and yet never knowing what the future was going to hold between us.

his every aspect permeates my life now... from what I drive, to what I do... I'm not sure why...

I really don't.

but back to what I was thinking about...

today I realized how young I really am, I mean.. I'm only 24... there so much that I can do, I can still go back to school, I can travel the world..

.. of course, that is, if the wife is willing.

I worry that I will be tied down, I worry that I'm settling... I worry about a lot of things, and I'm not entirely sure that that's normal..

shouldn't you be super happy that you're getting married, that everything is awesomesauce and life is good?

because I just feel like everything sucks, I miss my family, I miss my friends... I miss my old life and I want it back..

egh, I just keep exploding my brain over and over and over again...

well, off to the couch, my home for the night... er, rather the loveseat.
.. the couch is *his* spot.

good night world, clearer brain tomorrow.

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