yup, you read that right... lara croft.

other than lita, I guess you could say that Lara Croft is my female role model. I mean, I looked up to The Rock, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy.. Apolo.. so many male role models, but .. a female.. fuck, I've never really written about my female role models..

.. I guess because I want to become one, that I didn't want their influence tarnish who I wanted to be.

I know I haven't written in over 3 months, sometimes I forget that my diary is here.. but sometimes a song reminds me of something I wrote years ago, and here I am again.. writing.

here I am again, thinking...

sometimes I over think, sometimes I don't think enough, and then.. there's this song.. and every time I hear it I have to stop, because i don't hear it very often.. and if I do hear it, I have to listen again...

.. and again, and again..

- oh I've got my things, we it up as we go along.. oh with you I can... never be alone.....never be alone. -

and for the first time in years.. okay, maybe ever, this song means something to me, because there is someone I can sing it to, a face I can put the feelings with.. a smile that mirrors mine.

the warm feeling that I will never be alone.

.. but enough of that...

for a while I kept thinking about a few years ago, and a group of friends I thought were my best friends, we would be together for life... and I kept thinking that I was such a naive fool... I couldn't see what was happening in front of me... I can now look at this objectively, I can now look at the whole picture and not feel shame..

I wish I had thought more in those days, but like a junkie.. I just lived for the moment, I didn't care how terrible these people were for me, I just wanted to go out and feel special, I wanted to party.. I never wanted it to end.. I was used, I was backstabbed, lied to.. I lost my "best friend", and I felt isolated... like I didn't have anyone in the world who understood me at all...

I was in debt, I had nothing.. I had no motivation... and most of all, the friends I thought were my best friends were gone.

and it was then I realized that my true friends were the cats I grew up with.

When I graduated high school, I tried my best to remain close to my high school friends, but it was difficult.. I drifted away, trying to figure out where I fit and who I was.. and at the end of the day, the people who I fit with were my high school friends.

I consider them family.

they have been there for me from the start, and even though I cannot be there all the time, I believe that each and every one of them deserve the best in the world. Those people are the epitome of good people, and I am fortunate to be their friend.

speaking of friends.. I have found myself another nice little niche with my workmates.. on shift, I am the leader.. but off shift I love hanging out with them... it is something I am going to miss..

speaking of missing...

I failed to mention previously that I saw Erick...

.. I saw him from a distance, I could've gone up to talk to him... but I couldn't...

... and just like that, he walked out the door.. and out of my life.

... wow, it's 3 am.. I guess I should wrap this up eh?

I feel so much stronger these days, I feel like I can accomplish anything.. and I have.. I feel like a much better person than I was years ago.. a completely different person.

I've just gotta keep working... I'm not quite there yet, I'm not quite.....

.. well, you know...

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