So, I didn't make it.
I worked hard for 2 years.. sacrificed sleep, money, time.. a relationship.
.. and I.. didn't make it.

This hurts me more than people understand. This bites.

All I wanted to see was my name on that list, and it wasn't there... I really tried to stay strong, to shrug it off.. but the thoughts of everything that I did, every step I took.. it was just overwhelming.

.. and now I'm lost.

I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going.. what I want.

In the nearly 16 years I've been writing in here, this is the first time I can solidly say I have no idea what I'm doing.

It scares me.

I don't know if it's worth it to put in another 2 years to build up to what? disappointment? do I want it enough to move cities to play with a tougher team? Can my body handle it?

What is there to reach for?

What is there to live for?

one day at a time.. one moment at a time.. I'll figure it out, right now I need to pick up these pieces and find something worthwhile out of these lessons..

I'll figure it out.

I promise.

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