I'm living in a world of what if's.. I'm remembering how much I felt for you, and now, armed with the knowledge I know now.. it's incredible how much I missed the signs.

I wish I could visit an alternate reality where we both weren't such clueless teenagers and see what life would've been like.. Would we have done amazing things? Travel the world like the adventure lovers we are now. Would we grow apart and be bitter enemies?

There are things I think about that I can't act upon, I can't jump into my car and drive out there to see if the circumstances are right, because they aren't... because we didn't fight for it, and I moved on, and on.. and lived my life.

I still think about that day underneath the sign sometimes, I wonder what would've happened if I didn't get scared and actually followed through and visited you like I said I would... but you're right, almost doesn't count.

It's so frustrating to know how you feel now, you don't even understand. To know that if I had just took that extra step, that extra leap of faith, the boy that I had wanted since I was 16 years old could have been mine. And now, now that we're both grown up and lived our lives and have our jobs and have the freedom to be who we want and talk to whomever we want... now, when everything should be right, it's not.

I'm not going to give up what I have for this... no, not now, not ever... just the need to know, the curiosity... the pure fact that we shared the same feelings and never, ever acted upon it... just feels like such a lost cause.

It's like a storybook, without an ending, and you and I... like oil and water, will never mix it up.

I just have to accept that and enjoy the fact that after damn near 20 years, you're still here to talk to.

You'll be a star in somebody else's sky, why.. why can't it be mine?
-B

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