....I feel, weird. I'm not sure what do say or do really, I'm almost.. numb, as if this life isn't real.
Looking out the window at that sky just isn't the same. I know it's the same sky, but... it doesn't feel real.

I went to the gym last night, not to be healthy.. not to lose weight, but to feel pain, to make sure that I wasn't numb... and even then, it never felt real.

I love my fiancee, I do enjoy this new adventure, but sometimes I regret leaving people behind..

I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss my bed, I miss my old job.

Driving to work gives me time to think, but all too often I find myself too lost in the music, that I forget what I'm there to think about. I don't even feel as if I could just go off and drive alone, just.. cruise.

I feel so alone, and I know I'm not... but I can't help it. I only really know a few people here, and the people I really trust are 7 hours away, yeah.. I could text them.. I could chat with them on the phone, but it just isn't the same.

I feel like I'm not in control, I feel like I'm on auto-pilot.. just going through the motions...

... I don't know.. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do, this is the first time in a long time where I'm absolutely lost...

At the sun, I knew what I wanted.. I wanted to be the MC and I did it.. I knew what car I wanted and got it.. everything I set out to get, I attained.. figured out a path and did it..

.. and now I'm not sure.. yeah, I got what I wanted.. but now I'm not sure it was what I wanted, nor needed.

all I know is, my car is the largest chunk of Calgary I could take here with me, and it is the only place where I feel at peace here.... I want pain, I want to feel my muscles hurt...

*sigh*
... I'll feel normal soon enough I hope

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